Bullying – what parents can do…

Bullying may take many forms, but whatever it involves, one thing is certain: it ruins children’s lives. It affects their physical and mental health, damages their capacity for learning and, for a minority, affects forever the way they interact with peers and colleagues. A friend of mine who has spent years as a counsellor told me that conversations she’d had with teenagers who were being bullied were amongst the most distressing she has ever experienced.

Time and time again when asked, “Who would you prefer to talk to about the bullying?” teenagers say, “My parents.” Again, this is both good and bad news. It’s good to know we are the ones they want to confide in, but bad because so often we just aren’t sure how to handle it.

So what can a parent do?
The first thing is a ‘don’t.’ Don’t take over. It was hard enough for your child to talk to you about it and now it’s important that they feel a measure of control in how it’s going to be dealt with. Some good lines to avoid are:

“Right! I’m going straight down the school.”
“Just ignore them.”
“What you should do is …”
“OK! That does it! I’m taking you straight out of that school!”
“Just stand up to them. Bullies hate that!”

Simon decided to tell his youth worker he was being bullied. The youth worker asked him if he’d told anybody about it. Simon hesitated, “I told my dad, but he just told me to knock their block off – and if I did, he’d support me.” Simon dropped his head and went on, “The only thing is, I’m not that type.”

The youth worker asked, “So who else have you told about the bullying?”

Simon said, “Oh – nobody. What’s the point?”

Praise
Praise your child for telling you about the situation. Tell her you realise how hard it must have been for her to tell somebody and how pleased you are that she has chosen you. This is not just a nice idea. Many children who have been bullied experience ‘double shame’ - not just their own for being bullied, but the shame of hurting a parent in the telling of it.

Ask her what she thinks might be a way ahead; brainstorm some options with her; convince her that she has some control and ownership of the outcome. Remember that your teenager may not be an expert on bullying, but she is the expert on her school and the bullies in it. If possible, avoid the ‘victim’ label; this can carry a sense of inevitability with it.

Every school should have a bullying policy and it’s worth finding out about the one at your child’s school. If you and your teenager agree that the issue needs to be taken to the school, ask him how he wants to go about it and which teacher he would like to talk to first. Some schools have a ‘Peer Support’ system whereby selected older pupils are trained to be confidential listeners and supporters for younger pupils. If you do talk to the school, it’s a good idea to make a note of what they say they are going to do.

Diary
Don’t be upset if your teenager wants to talk to other adults or friends about the problem. The truth is, they need all the help they can get and so do you! Talk to friends about it - preferably ones who don’t have children at the same school. If the bullying is hard to prove and is ongoing, you may suggest your child keeps a diary of the incidents. You can download one from Childline’s website.

Remember that for your child, the bullying may be all-consuming. This may a good time to ease up on the pressure in some less important areas - that untidy bedroom, for example - and to make sure that although life in school is hard, there are some good times outside of it. And above all, tell him that you love him, that he can always talk to you about it, and that you will come through this experience together.

This is a book extract from Teenagers! What Every Parent Has to Know, published by Hodder & Stoughton, 2007 – order your copy here.

Find out about Teenagers! What Every Parent Has to Know – the event.