How do you keep love alive? Read about the five languages of love...

The muffled tannoy announcement conveyed the disappointing news that the train would be a further 45 minutes late. The man sitting on the bench next to me drained his coffee cup and tossed it towards the bin. He looked at his watch, then, glancing at my laptop, asked me where I was heading and what work I did.

The conversation that ensued took not only the delayed 45 minutes, but most of the journey to London.

He had been happily married for four years, but recently the spark seemed to have gone out of the relationship. He didn’t ‘feel’ in love any more, and there seemed to be a loss of connection. How do you keep marriage going for a lifetime? What does it take to keep love alive?

Love languages
A number of years ago, my husband and I had asked ourselves the same question. Shortly afterwards, we came across the concept of love languages introduced by the author Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages. Understanding the simple truth that there are different ways we each give and receive love, which go way beyond feelings, was the catalyst to connecting in a new way.

Just as we all have a native language that we use to communicate, so each of us has a ‘native’ love language through which we most easily communicate love.

The five languages are words, actions, time, gifts and touch.

Whilst all five of these languages are important, for each of us there is one that communicates love most directly.

The problem, however, is that we each tend to want to show love in the way we like to receive it. We assume our way to connect is the right way and then are surprised when it doesn’t have the desired effect. In fact, it’s like we’re speaking another language, which our spouse doesn’t easily understand.

An investment worth making
One of my primary love languages is gifts. Those who have this as their primary love language will know that the value of the gift is irrelevant. What is important is the thought that goes with it. So a flower picked from the garden will mean just as much as a large expensive bouquet.

When my husband and I were first married, I would scour the shops for a birthday present for Richard, or occasionally buy him a present for no apparent reason than to say ‘I love you’. I was repeatedly disappointed when the gift was opened and put to one side with at best a grunt of thanks. Conversely, Richard’s apparent incapacity to commit any time to shopping when my birthday or Christmas was on the horizon would also give me the impression that he didn’t love me.

What we failed to understand was that whilst presents mean a great deal to me, they mean very little to him. I needed to learn how to express my love for him in a way that he understood. I’ve discovered that one of Richard’s primary love languages is actions. To my amazement, if I choose to make his sandwiches for lunch (a task that he is willing and able to do for himself), that will communicate to him that I love him.

Learning one another’s love language and putting it into practice takes time and effort. However, as I explained to my friend on the station, it is an investment worth making. For when the initial euphoria of love dies down, it’s choosing to speak a spouse’s love language in a way that really connects that can keep love alive.

Katharine Hill