Helping your children through traumatic bereavement

Children who lose a parent through traumatic bereavement find it particularly tough. One young person wrote: "It's like someone took my life and dashed it into splinters". (Quoted from Cruse's website for bereaved children and young people - see web address below.)

Children usually cope better if they are told the truth, and so telling them as soon as possible, gently and openly, that their special person has died is really important. At first that may be all they need to know, and for some children that will be enough. However, others may want to know why it happened and may need to know more detail. This might seem difficult in the case of a traumatic death, but imagine how much more painful it would be if they were to hear what really happened from someone else who could not give them the love and support that you can.

In being open and honest you are giving them the message that, however painful it is, you are prepared to talk about it. Keeping the lines of communication open, and letting them know that they can talk about their mum or dad whenever they want to, is key to them grasping what has happened and helping them to cope. And knowing that you can cry together is important and healing too.

Younger children may find it difficult to understand that death is final, so that will need to be talked over probably many times before they understand that mum or dad is not coming back.

They may also fear that it happened because of something they said or did, so that too must be addressed. They need to be told from the outset that nothing they said or did caused their loved one to die.

Young people will also need a lot of reassurance and support as they battle with so many emotions, at a time when they are already emotionally volatile. Here are some suggestions you may find helpful as you support your teenager:

• Encourage them to express their feelings, but don't be upset if they talk to people outside the family.
• Let them have time to themselves or with friends - they can't be sad all the time.
• Try not to react if they are angry, irritable or withdrawn.
• If you feel they are not coping, suggest a visit to the GP or a bereavement counsellor.
• Suggest they could access a website for young people, like Cruse's www.rd4u.org.uk website. Cruse also has children's support volunteers who have been trained to help children and young people in most areas of the country.
• Winston's Wish is also there particularly for children and young people. You can contact them at www.winstonswish.org.uk or ring their helpline on 08452 03 04 05.

In their book 'Beyond the Rough Rock - supporting a child who has been bereaved through suicide,' Di Stubbs and Julie Stokes have come up with a way, in 5 stages, to explain to a child that a loved one has taken their own life (which can be adapted for other traumatic deaths). You can order the book online from Winston's Wish (ISBN 978-0953912377) - see contact details above.

We hope you will have found some help and support in this article. Your children are very precious to you and we know what a good job you are doing as you try to be both mum and dad to them at a time when your own resources are at a low ebb. Please don't hesitate to ring or email us if there's anything else we can do to help.

Bob and Joy Jones, 2009

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