Accomplishing 'big things' in 'small steps' - Kate's story

Kate Collins is a befriender with 'A Different Journey'. She has been a single mum to Sam and Alice since her husband, Paul, died suddenly in 1998. This is her story…

"Paul and I first met at school in 1979. We were 'childhood sweethearts' and got married in 1987. In 1995 our son Sam was born, and a couple of years later Alice came along. She was 11 weeks old when Paul died.

"Paul died of Sudden Death Syndrome. The doctors said there was no way anyone could have predicted it. We were both keen walkers and had been on adventure holidays.

"Paul's death certificate listed cause of death as 'unascertained'. It took me a long time to accept that nobody knew why he had died. But I had two small children and they became the driving force in my life. I concentrated on them."

Learning to live without Paul

"I found it difficult to talk about Paul with the kids at first. I put away all the photos. I felt I'd been abandoned. I even felt angry - how dare he leave me with two small children? But I realised that was unfair on the children, so I made them photo albums of Daddy, and tried to tell them stories about him.

"A few months ago, Alice said it felt like she had pictures of a stranger in her room because she didn't know her daddy. That showed me how important it is to tell her stories so she feels like she does know him in some way.

"I've tried to use the money from the life insurance to help pay for some of the kids' activities. It helps them to know that 'daddy's paying for it'. I tell them repeatedly that he loved them to bits. They are quite forward about the fact that he died - they want people to know what's happened, not that he's out there somewhere and just doesn't care."

A sense of timing

"My parents booked for us to go away to a retreat centre. We booked the private cottage, without knowing what was happening at the main centre. Just before we went, my mum rang me up and said that the main activity that week was a single parents' week.

"Looking back I can see how it was perfect timing. I didn't want to go to any of the sessions, but my dad persuaded me. I sat at the back with my arms crossed like a teenager. But the message of hope and encouragement that week helped me cope with my feelings."

A Different Journey

"A short while later a friend from church mentioned Care for the Family's 'A Different Journey' initiative to me. There was an 'A Different Journey Day' coming up in Reigate. I wasn't sure about going. I asked my mum, 'I suppose there's no way you could have the kids for a day?' I wanted her to say 'no'; instead she said 'yes'. So, now I had no excuse.

"I was nervous; really frightened. How would I be judged? I was confident that I was a good mother, but as a person I was afraid I'd be judged. But it was so gentle. There was no pressure. I could just sit in a room with thirty people who absolutely knew what it feels like. That was awe-inspiring.

"During the day, we were asked to take a sticker if it represented how we were feeling. I was the only one to take a sticker saying 'I think I should be over this by now'. But as I listened, I realised that we all grieve at different rates. I realised I was normal to still feel grief."

Looking forward

"I'm a single mum - a proud lioness single mum! Yes, I still have my moments of despair, but I won't be beaten down by it. Now I'm befriending and talking to other women, and when I hear their feelings and situations I wonder, 'How did I get through that?' But I did. I've walked on, taking little steps. I'm looking forward and moving forward.

I would say that to anyone else in this situation. Look forward. It's a bit like a horse wearing blinkers. Just focus forward and it's less scary. Looking back gets you nowhere. Find friends who will affirm you. Grief moves at different rates and that's okay. Take small steps. Even the most enormous things can be accomplished if you take it in small steps.

2009

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