Moving from despair to hope

"If I have a life, I might as well live it." That was the conclusion eventually drawn by Lindsay Nicholson in her book, 'Living on the Seabed'. Lindsay's husband, John, died of leukaemia when he was 36 - then tragically her daughter, Ellie, was diagnosed with the same illness and died a few years later.

She describes how, the morning after John's death, she remembered "feeling absolutely enraged that the world had kept turning and the sun had come up as if nothing had happened". Her response is one you will probably be able to identify with. Yet after years of pain and heartache, she was still able to find new hope.

So, what are the important things to remember if we want to move from despair to hope?

Accepting your loss

Is it possible to accept your loss? We all know the facts of our loss in our heads, but sometimes we can become merely resigned to it. There's a big difference between 'accepting' and 'being resigned'. Resignation says "what a waste", is resentful and tends to leave us 'living in the past'. Acceptance, however, acknowledges the enormity of the loss, but is grateful for time spent together and begins to look to the future.

Forging a new identity

Try to begin to think of forging a new identity for yourself. It will be difficult, but try to focus on your unique personality, skills and gifts - all those things your partner loved about you.

Perhaps your identity was tied up in being a homemaker, childcarer or breadwinner in the past, which came as being part of a couple. Accepting your single status can be very hard, but try to concentrate on developing a new identity. That doesn't mean you will forget or not feel guilty about leaving your old life behind - rather, you will carry forward good memories and your partner's memory will live on in how he or she helped you become a better person.

Looking after yourself

This is so easy to say and so difficult to do - but do try to keep fit and healthy. You're not helping yourself and those dependent on you if you don't. Get some exercise - it helps to keep our anger in check and to get rid of negative emotions. Go to a slimming club, if appropriate (it's amazing how losing weight, if we need to, can make us feel more positive and give us a confidence boost). Learn something new or read that book you've always wanted to.

As well as our physical and emotional health, it's also important to take care of our spiritual well-being. So if you have a faith, don't neglect it. Rediscover it or find it anew - and hold on to it.

Making decisions

It can be difficult to make decisions in the midst of a whirl of emotions and if you have a hectic lifestyle. However, do try to make some decisions and stick to them. It might be an idea to ask a friend to hold you accountable if you're struggling.

Little by little

Take one small step at a time. Lindsay Nicholson was able to say after many years of grieving: "So much of recovering from grieving is about deciding to live - rather than hoping to join the people you've lost." And she felt that through that she was able to honour her husband and daughter.

Bob and Joy, 2009

'Living on the Seabed - A Memoir of Love, Life and Survival' (ISBN 009190015-8) is written by Lindsay Nicholson. She has also written an article on her bereavements that was published in The Guardian on 2 December 2002. You can read the article here.

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