Are my kids OK?

For those with children, it's inevitable that you will worry about how they are coping with losing Mum or Dad. You can read all the right books and follow all the advice given - but you will still be concerned.

Being a single mum or dad is tough in its own right, but it can be even harder when you're coping with grief - your own and your children's. So much is dependent on their age, their personalities and whether they're going through any important developmental stages during the year or two after their loss. Most children are resilient and will come through in their own way, although bereavement can and does cause phases of difficulty and, in some cases, ongoing problems in adulthood.

So, what can you do to support your kids?

• If you do notice issues, don't immediately assume they're caused by the loss. They may well be, but children go through all sorts of 'phases' anyway. Suspend judgement, watch and observe, and ask other people - like another relative, a close friend, or a teacher - as they are likely to be more objective.
• Your children understand that you are grieving as well, and may not want to add to your pain by showing that they are hurting too. Unfortunately, this means you may not always pick up on the issues and problems they're struggling with, so it can be a good idea to ask trusted friends to be available to listen and to keep their eyes open.
• School may be your best ally in helping your children. They will usually be very sympathetic, but sometimes do not fully understand the implications of bereavement on children. Make sure you speak to whoever is in charge of pastoral care - ask them to look at resources produced by the Child Bereavement Charity, Winston's Wish or Cruse (you'll find a list of bereavement support organisations here). It's not unreasonable to ask for regular reviews on how your children are doing - and not just for the first few months, as they will face different challenges and need different support as they develop.
• Be specially aware at times of stress - exams, starting or changing schools, anniversaries, etc.
• Check everything out as best you can. Lindsay Nicholson describes how the school thought her daughter was dyslexic - in fact, she had 'blanked out' most of the developmental stages of reading in her first year or two at school because of her grief. Because of this, she struggled with the structure of sentences and had to go back to 're-learn' from the beginning.
• Single parenting is tough. To get some support, sign up for Care for the Family's 'Single Parent Family' newsletter by visiting www.careforthefamily.org.uk/signup-spf
• But most of all - invest in looking after yourself and coping with your own grief. And don't be afraid to ask for help if you need to. By doing this, you will be better placed to look after your children.

You'll find a list of organisations that can support you and your children at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/bereavement-organisations

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