Are you just 'twittering' in your marriage?

What do Jamie Oliver, Demi Moore and Stephen Fry have in common? Any ideas? They all use Twitter to communicate. Still confused?

You may have come across Facebook, instant messaging and blogging - Twitter is the latest online technology communication tool. It's a service that enables you ‘to communicate and stay connected' with family and friends. Users can post brief text messages (known as ‘tweets') about what they are thinking or doing. They are then delivered to other users - known as followers - who have subscribed to them.

This popular service is attracting a growing number of subscribers, including many celebrities and public figures. Their tweets give a glimpse into their lives. Through Twitter we can know in real time that Jamie Oliver has caught a sea bass, Demi Moore is feeding a Beluga whale, or that Stephen Fry is trapped in a lift.

Parallel lives

Popular and interesting as that information might be, the danger of Twitter is that you begin to feel connected with someone simply because you have up-to-the-minute information about what they are doing at any given time. But the truth is, there is all the difference in the world between knowing ‘about' someone and knowing them on a deeper level.

In marriage, it is quite possible to have the same illusion of connectedness, but, as with Twitter, have no substance to it at all. You can live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and parent the same children, yet - without meaningful communication - be complete strangers to each other. It can be remarkably easy to drift into living parallel lives, having the outward appearance of connection, but having no real depth to the relationship.

Becky and Neil's story

This was the position Becky and Neil found themselves in after five years of marriage. They met at college and had so much in common that friends said they were ‘made for each other'. They married soon after leaving college and both began working for the same company, so their shared work interests became yet another point of connection in their lives.

After their first child was born, Becky immersed herself in the new world of nappies, buggies and toddler groups. Neil had a promotion and the demands of his new job began to take their toll. Outwardly everything looked rosy, but the reality was that they were spending less and less time together. Imperceptibly they had begun living parallel lives.

Neil commented: "Looking back, the only communication we had was about the diary arrangements for the week ahead. Whilst we didn't argue, it felt like the spark had gone from our relationship."

Their story is not unusual. Many couples, at different times in their marriage, find that they lose connection. They can simply start taking one another - and the future of their marriage - for granted.

Wake-up call

The turning point for Neil and Becky came when a friend offered to look after the children so they could go away for a weekend. Becky commented: "The shock was that when we were on our own, we found we didn't have anything to talk about. The weekend was a wake-up call that we needed to take time out to invest in our marriage, and to talk to each other about the things that were important to us."

Becky and Neil now try to mark out a time each week to spend together. They may book a babysitter and go out, or they may have a special evening in, when the television and computer are turned off and the ironing is left until the morning. "It's an effort, but it is so worth it. We really notice a difference now when we don't spend regular time together."

Courage and perseverance

Planning regular time together is important - but that's just the start. If you want to build a healthy marriage, invest in that time wisely and learn to communicate effectively. This means talking beyond the practical arrangements for the week ahead, like who's doing the school run tomorrow or the reminder to call in the supermarket on the way home from work. It involves telling your partner how you're feeling, and really listening to each other. This may not come naturally, and it can take courage and perseverance - but it is the only way to build a healthy marriage that can last a lifetime.

Good communication involves resolving to have no secrets, and being open and willing to share your thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with one another. Honest communication is built on trust, and trust is built on commitment - and commitment is the bedrock for a marriage that deepens, matures and will stand the test of time.

Posting details of our lives on Twitter is for many an enjoyable, quick and compact way of passing on information, but it will always remain just that. In order to thrive, marriages need a deeper level of communication and connection. And as Neil and Becky discovered, that involves making time to connect together and choosing to communicate about the things that matter.

You will find more articles and resources to help you in your marriage at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/marriage

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