'My stepdaughters don't live with us' - read Jo's story

In this personal story, Jo tells you some of the ups and downs of being a stepmum...

"My stepdaughters don't live with us. We have them every other weekend and half of the holidays. It never feels enough.

"We are a blended family of five - me and my husband, my stepdaughters (9 and 11) from my husband's first marriage, and our daughter who is 21 months old.

"The girls arrive on Friday evenings tired and hungry (they moved with their mother to another part of the country last year so have a long journey). Then, before we know it, it's 6pm on Sunday and the rush begins to get the girls back to their mum's and we five become three again.

"Our little girl cries when she waves goodbye to her sisters. She cries again on Monday mornings when she remembers they aren't in their bedrooms.

"My elder stepdaughter has always had a very close relationship with her dad. She is very like him, and likes the sense of order and security he provides. She is accepting of me, loves her little sister dearly and fully integrates herself into family life when she is with us."

Tricky situation
"In the same way that our eldest is like her dad, the younger is like her mum. They have a very close relationship. Even though access has always been the same, it is clear that when she is with us, she misses her mum and would prefer to be there.

"It can be frustrating, especially when we are having a good time together, that she takes herself off and chooses not to be part of what everyone else is doing. Sometimes it seems like she is having a good time, and then almost remembers to feel guilty about being happy here. She feels it is disloyal to her mum. When we ask what's wrong she'll tell us she's bored. I've come to realise that sometimes this means, 'I wish I was at home with my own stuff, in my own room, with my own mum.'

"It is a tricky situation which we manage as sensitively as possibly. On one hand, she is part of this family and we want her here with us as much as possible: on the other, she has never had choices about her family life. Her parents' divorce means she has two families, and both want their share of her time.

"We used to try all sorts of things to cheer her up and cajole her. It was as if her mood could determine how the weekend went - we were only as happy as our unhappiest stepchild."

Doing something positive
"Last year, my husband and I attended a Positive Parenting course. It helped us start talking as a couple about the issues we thought important about parenting. It also gave us time to talk about how we could address the unhappy issues. We've worked out what is important, that we do as a family. We've built in strategies to provide time out when the younger visiting child needs it.

"We've also started making an effort to take photos to create visual memories of our shared time together. And we make as much time as possible for simple pleasures, like riding bikes, going to the park and swimming. These are now part of our normal routine, so that we all know roughly what's going to happen each time we're all together.

"My hope is that the longer we go on creating a sense of 'family' here, the better it will feel for all of us."

Jo