A new family – the fun and hard work of building a stepfamily

Stepfamilies are the fastest growing family type in the UK. Over one third of us are part of the stepfamily experience.

Your grandchildren may be about to have a new step-parent, or your son/daughter may be married to someone who already has children. Perhaps you have children from a first marriage and you’re now marrying again, or you have become dad or mum to someone else’s children.

So what is it like to build a stepfamily?

Sally and Keith have been married and building their stepfamily for just ten months. They say they never realised how difficult it was going to be, and how dramatic the changes would be.

“We just focused on the wedding and all the other stuff was overlooked,” Keith admits. “As we had both been married before it was assumed we knew all about it!

“We were asked just two weeks before the wedding if we had forgiven our ex-partners. We said yes, but wondered what would have happened if we had said no! We did discuss a lot of things together, and have now talked to an older couple, and attended a day conference.”

Balancing being a wife and a mother

Sally adds: “I didn’t find my first marriage difficult, so I suppose I was a bit naïve and thought I wouldn’t find number two difficult.

“When I was married before, we were DINKYs - Double Income No Kids. My son Joshua was born after my husband left, so when I was a mother, I wasn’t a wife any more. I had five years as a working single parent. And then suddenly, I was a wife again, and a stepmother to two teenage daughters, while still working full time and being the biological mother to my son.

“I had never had the experience of having to balance being a wife and a mother. I didn’t have to worry if my husband was getting upset or not getting attention. My whole focus was on my child. That’s what we struggle with now. I don’t give Keith that time which he rightly thinks he ought to have, because I am looking after Joshua.”

The challenge for Sally has also been taking on teenagers (14 and 19) who are not related to her. “They have mood swings and are very different from me,” she says. “But they gave me cards for Mothering Sunday, and Amy gave me a card when I was unwell saying they would look after me. I really appreciated that.”

Keith feels that no matter how hard you work at it, there will always be a sense of ‘my daughters, your son’.

“I have an unconditional love for my daughters which is more forgiving,” he says. “But I do want to be a father figure to Joshua. It makes a difference that he is quite young. When we first married, if we were in the kitchen and I gave Sally a cuddle, Joshua would try to separate us. Now he joins in for a three-way hug.”

A new name

“Joshua has always called me Keith. We have great fun times together, but at other times he doesn’t want me near him and I can feel rejected.

“But then recently he and I were in the supermarket, getting food for lunch. We were chatting away and, when we reached the cake aisle, Joshua announced, “I’m not going to call you Keith any more. I have a new name for you.” I was wondering what he was going to call me now - he has said I’m lazybones for lying in bed! He said, “I’m going to call you Dad.” And he has kept this up ever since. It’s really encouraging. You have to be patient.”

The girls are pleased that their dad is married, as they want him to be happy, but it isn’t always easy for them. Everyone enjoyed last Christmas together, but at the end Amy said, “It was a great day but I wished we could have Mum and Dad like we used to.”

But as Keith says, the new family has not yet built up shared memories. They are on their first family holiday this summer, which should be creating some memories for them.

“I believe it will be a very different picture in four or five years,” Keith concludes. “We’re still working through the baggage - ours and the children’s. Talking with others has helped us to see all the positives and not to focus so much on the negatives.”

Stepfamilies - are they a challenge? Yes. Are they hard work? Yes. Are they fun? Yes. Are they worthwhile? Yes. Can they last? Yes - my stepson of 21 years has recently written to me: “If Dad dies before you, we will always be there for you. You can count on our love and support for the rest of your life.”

Christine Tufnell

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