Dear friend,

Can we cancel Christmas?

Have you ever asked that question? We're pretty certain that if you have lost a child you will have thought this at some point, even if you have never vocalised it.

Whether this is the first Christmas you're facing without your child or it's many years since they died, it can be a time of vulnerability and sadness as the gap within the family feels so obvious.

Jenny tells us about that first painful Christmas after Aaron's death, but also explains how her family deals with Christmas now. Wherever you are on your journey, we hope that there is something here to help and encourage you at this time.

With our love

Kath and Mike Coulson, Care for the Family
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/bpn

Aaron was born on 16 November 1993, six weeks early. However, he died four hours later, due to kidney problems. For mum Jenny and dad Dave these totally unexpected circumstances meant Christmas wasn't as they'd imagined it would be.

"Because Aaron had been due at the beginning of January, we were looking forward to having a new arrival after Christmas," explains Jenny. "Instead we found ourselves grieving, and that overshadowed the whole season...

Here are some suggestions from Care for the Family's Bereaved Parents' Network telephone befrienders for surviving Christmas:

• The anticipation of the day will probably be much worse than the day itself.
• Take a flask of soup and some sandwiches and go walking on Christmas Day.
• Be prepared to weep as you get out the decorations. Set aside a time to do this as a family or on your own...

Christmas can seem such a stark contrast to everything that's felt in the hearts of parents who are grieving the loss of a son or daughter. How can we possibly think of hanging tinsel on a tree? How can we dream of writing a few trite greetings to friends or relatives we rarely see? How will we ever get our minds around going out to the shops, let alone preparing a feast for a huge extended family? It just all feels so wrong! We want to stop the world and get off - perhaps more than ever before.

It is increasingly difficult to ignore the fact that Christmas is less than two months away...

If you have other children, Christmas can be a time when you feel particular pressure to 'keep it together' for their sake. Here are some ideas you may find helpful:

• One suggestion is to sit down and talk as a family, and make plans together for the best way to spend the day.
• Remember that time together is the most precious thing. A few simple gifts can be shared on the day and perhaps a family treat planned for later in the year...

Discover that you're not alone, as you meet with others who have experienced the loss of a child.

A Day for Bereaved Parents

Reigate - 8 November

You can find out more and book your places at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/bpnday or call Care for the Family on (029) 2081 0800.

More events are planned for 2009 - we'll let you know the details as soon as we can.

• Telephone network - parents are put in touch with trained befrienders who have themselves experienced the death of a child.
• Events - special days and weekends which give parents who have lost a child the opportunity to meet others who have walked that road, to learn from shared experiences, and hopefully move towards a 'new normal'. Weekends also provide input for adult siblings.
• Email newsletter - containing personal stories, articles and helpful advice to support bereaved parents, their relatives and friends. If you, or someone you know, would like to receive this email newsletter regularly, and aren't already doing so, simply go to www.careforthefamily.org.uk/bpn-signup
• Resources - read more articles and stories here.