Coping strategies

Below you will find some coping strategies that I have learned through reading the following two books, which I thoroughly recommend:

• Day by Day: Emotional Wellbeing in Parents of Disabled Children by Joanna Griffin

• The Special Parent’s Handbook by Yvonne Newbold

First of all, HALT!

Ask yourself, are you:
Hungry?
Angry?
Lonely?
Tired?

These things influence our mood and feelings, making it unlikely that we are in the best position to make wise decisions. Sometimes we feel low; that life is hard and there are no solutions, when in fact we just need to have a healthy snack or chat with a friend. As you learn to read the emotions of your child, try to apply the same kindness to yourself. It’s hard to think clearly when you’re depleted. Replenish first and then try again.

What’s in your control?

Work out what you can control and what you can’t, and try not to mix them up. You could make yourself a chart or a list to pop on your fridge. Identify the following:

• Things you can sort out yourself
• Things you can think about another time
• Things you can deal with if you ask for help
• Things you cannot do anything about

Accept that being able to ask for help is a strength, not a weakness. From time to time people may offer to help, so think ahead and have a list of things they could help with in mind. Here are some suggestions:

• Do some hoovering, ironing or other household chore
• Bring a meal round
• Help fill in a form
• Come and play with or take my child to the park for an hour (so I can have a sleep or bath)
• Come with us to a hospital appointment
• Give us a ride to an appointment, and drop us at the door so we don’t have to struggle with parking and equipment/wheelchair/buggy
• Join us for tea and bedtime routine to understand what it’s like to walk in our shoes
• Volunteer to support my child in kids’ church or a club they enjoy
• Help with the school run occasionally

The 30-minute wallow

I love this idea! When everything is beyond you, when you’re furious with life and holding back tears all the time, try the 30-minute wallow. Set your alarm for 30 minutes. During this time you can scream, cry, throw paperbacks at the door, kick wastepaper baskets down the hallway, rant, rave, whatever you want – as long as it’s productively cathartic. Then when the alarm goes off, make yourself a nice hot drink, and the whole world will look better. Try it! You may even find yourself looking forward to a ‘good wallow’ after a tough day. Obviously, you can’t do the above unless the children are asleep in bed or out of the house. And if you can keep going for half an hour, you have my utmost respect!

Have a good cry

Crying is a basic physical reaction that provides an immediate way of releasing stress. You may look terrible afterwards, but you’ll usually feel better. It’s a bit like rebooting your computer. If, however, you find yourself crying for long periods, then you might be experiencing depression, in which case make sure you go and see your GP.

Take time to look after your health

It’s important that you take time to look after your own physical and mental health, both so that you feel better in yourself and also that you are properly equipped to care for others. You can’t pour from an empty cup! Try some of these things to relax and improve your health:

• Gentle, repetitive movements can be very soothing. Try sitting in a rocking chair, on a swing, or rocking on a gym ball.
• If you can, find a form of physical exercise you enjoy. It doesn’t have to be running marathons or taking up martial arts (unless you want to!) – it can just be taking a short walk on your lunch break or 10 minutes of yoga from a YouTube video before bed.
• Hold a hot drink or wrap up in a warm blanket
• Sing or hum.
• Look after your gut health with a healthy diet. Make sure to include plenty of fibre.
• Connect with people that feel safe – whether in person or by phone call.
• Breathe in and out slowly, and make sure the outgoing breath is a longer count than the incoming breath.
• Sigh more often, deep and long.
• Touch can produce oxytocin (the feel-good hormone) – find someone or something to cuddle. A family member, a friend, an animal or a cuddly toy (yes, adults can have them!) are all good options.

Focus on what you can control, not what you can’t

Although it’s tempting, don’t try and think what life will be like too far ahead. Take things a day at a time. While it’s important to plan for the future, it’s also important to remember that we can’t control it. If you find you have a lot of anxiety over the future, talk your worries over with a trusted friend or family member. If you find that anxiety is overwhelming to the point where it’s difficult to carry on with everyday life, see your GP for help.

Build your support network

Connect with other parents of children with additional needs, both on social media and face to face. A friend of mine is going through a significant challenge with her adult daughter who has ADHD. When I asked about her support network, she told me of a women’s group she’d first met over 20 years ago when they were all newly adoptive mums. Several of them have walked the path she is about to take, and she knows they’ll support her every step of the way. Check out our additional needs page to discover the different types of support we offer.