Five questions asked by bereaved parents

1. ‘Could I have done something to prevent it?’

Dave: When something traumatic happens it is natural to look back and ask yourself the questions ‘why?’ and ‘what if?’. When Ben died, my mind kept going back over the decisions we’d made and what we could have done differently. I was tormented by flashbacks and even when I was asleep, my subconscious mind relived those moments through intrusive dreams. There seemed to be no end to it all.

When we hold support events for bereaved parents, we show a short animation which includes the statement, ‘Guilt is perfectly natural, but seldom justified’. I find these few short words very helpful because as parents we do feel responsible for the health and wellbeing of our children. Whether it is rational or irrational, we seem to blame ourselves when we did not keep them safe… and if forgiving other people is hard, I suspect forgiving ourselves is even harder.

Of course, there is the possibility there was something we could have done, and if so, this could complicate our grief immeasurably. Seeking counselling may help and there are tools such as EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy) that can reduce the trauma around the death of our child. It is so important not to carry this alone, but to talk with someone we can trust and can give us an honest second opinion and help us.

2. ‘How do I tell people how many children I have?’

Jane: I have different answers for this depending who I’m speaking to, but it’s good to have an answer prepared as it can really make us feel wobbly when we’re asked. From talking to many parents, whatever we actually say, we don’t want to ignore the child who died. So, what do I say? If it is someone I am going to have an ongoing relationship with, then sooner or later they will know I have lost a child. So I will say something like, ‘I have three children, but one of them died when he was 11’. If it’s someone I won’t meet again, or someone who for whatever reason I don’t want to share too much with, then I say something like, ‘My eldest lives locally with his wife and baby and my youngest is still at home’, and hope they don’t notice I haven’t mentioned the third! Some people cover it by saying their child ‘isn’t at home’ or ‘isn’t with me’. I think the important thing is to prepare and practise an answer, or a couple of answers, which you are satisfied with. The truth is, you are still a parent of the child who died and they are always part of your family.

3. ‘Will this pain ever end?’

Dave: The pain of losing a child seems to go on and on. In those early days, it’s with you when you go to sleep and when you wake up. It affects your thoughts and your dreams, your appetites and sleep. It’s often a physical pain with physical symptoms and it is exhausting.

But it does change over time. The bad days became less frequent and I found that I had the capacity to be more than a grieving parent and begin to live a richer, fuller life. Looking back, it wasn’t a smooth process but gradually joy and happiness did return.

The nature of the pain changes as well. When I remember Ben now, it is with sorrow rather than the raw ache of those first few months that seemed so unbearable. I will never forget him, and will always be sad at the years we didn’t have but I also remember his character, those moments that we shared and the joy he brought into our family.

So the answer is complex. The period of acute grief does come to an end – it won’t last forever – but the feelings of loss go on. In truth I don’t want it any other way. I love Ben and lost him, and if this ache is the cost of loving Ben, it is a price worth paying.

4. ‘How do we remember them?’

Jane: Many parents fear that they will forget their child. This does not happen. You will remember them, other family members will remember them and many others will remember them too – sometimes people you would not expect.

We remember them on a day-to-day basis by talking about them, sharing memories and speculating about what they would be like. However, there are special times when we want to do something more. Many people like to do something specific on their birthday or the day they died. This is different for everyone and it’s good to find what works for you, whether it’s meeting up with family, visiting their grave, going for a walk, going away for the day or just putting some time aside at home. One thing I have learnt is that for me, the day is much harder if I haven’t planned anything at all.

Many parents seek other ways to honour their child’s memory and keep their legacy alive. This may be through being creative (there’s a separate blog about creativity in grief) or by planting a tree maybe. We created a courtyard at Ben’s school with his friends – a place where children could relax and play.

Some parents use their pain to help other people by setting up or volunteering with charities, sometimes in their child’s name. It can be therapeutic to feel like something positive is being done in their name, but it is also emotionally demanding.

5. ‘How can I keep my relationship with my partner and other children strong?’

Jane: When we lose a child, all the family relationships are affected. Every family member had their own relationship with the one who died and so everyone lost a different relationship. This in turn impacts all the other relationships going forward. Partly because of these different relationships, it’s important to recognise that we will all grieve differently and that is OK.

I think one of the key things is to try and keep talking. Talk naturally about the child who died – what they would have done in a situation, sharing memories together with a smile or a laugh. If we model talking about them, it gives other people permission to talk about them also and it becomes a natural pattern and therefore keeps them central to the family. It’s helpful to talk about how we are feeling and not be afraid to show our emotions. Obviously, with younger children at home we need to balance this, but it’s OK to let them see us upset and sad. Again, it gives them permission to talk about how they are feeling too.

Another key for us was to realise and accept that we weren’t always the best people to support each other. It is OK to look outside the family for support – it may be easier to talk to someone a little bit removed from the situation, as we don’t have to worry quite so much about them getting upset. Dave and I both had good friends to chat to and we had other people available for our children too.

Dave: Any relationship needs to be worked at and although we may not have much capacity, it is important to be intentional to give each other time and attention. Jane and I made a decision very soon after Ben died that we were not going to allow this to break us apart. We kept on talking, making each other cups of tea and other little things to communicate love. We didn’t give up.

I had also developed the habit of making sure I set aside time to spend with our other children, time when I was available to listen and talk. It is natural that our child who died is in the forefront of our minds, but there is a real danger that we can almost idolise them – however, their siblings know differently! They miss their brother or sister terribly, but they are still their annoying playmate and rival. As parents, it is important that we give them time, attention and value them for who they are.