Ann, one of our Bereaved Parent Support Befrienders, shares the painful decision she made to try for another baby after the loss of her first child to spina bifida in 1984.
Jeff and I were happy, excited and uncertain when we found out we were going to have a baby. We trusted everything would go well.
After I went into labour, the hospital staff could not find our baby’s heartbeat – that was when we first knew things were not going to be straightforward. At the end of this birth process was a stillborn baby, our first child, Andrea.
Andrea was tiny, weighing just one pound. My labour wasn’t long, around three hours, which was a very short amount of time to get our heads around everything. A nurse wrapped Andrea up and took her away. Jeff and I did see her – I remember her brown curly hair and Jeff recalls her blue eyes.
Our main feelings were of heartbreak, shock, sadness and the complete unreality of it all. It was as though we would wake up soon and find it had all been a nightmare and Andrea would be alive and kicking. Instead, we knew deep down no amount of love for Andrea would bring her back.
A nurse brought Andrea back in for me to hold and I remember thinking, ‘I can hold her and her heart will start’. When the nurse said she wouldn’t feel like a normal baby, I sadly felt I couldn’t hold her.
Nowadays a stillborn baby can be placed in a Moses basket and the parents can sit with their baby for as long as they need to be together and to say goodbye. Not so back in 1984.
We held a funeral in church then we buried Andrea. There were red leaves everywhere on the trees, and so for me, autumn leaves are a helpful reminder of our daughter.
Jeff and I did begin to talk about having another baby, but it wasn’t an easy decision and we felt we needed space to heal mentally and physically.
Andrea had spina bifida so we had questions about whether we could do something to stop this happening in a future pregnancy. I was given folic acid tablets to help prevent neural tube defects in a future baby. Jeff and I were both uncertain whether the folic acid would be enough to encourage good strong spinal cord growth and development. Without medical knowledge ourselves, we had to trust the staff and God and pray. We had to keep asking and explaining about Andrea and our experience.
Just over a year after we lost Andrea, I became pregnant with Peter. I felt very emotional through the pregnancy, and I couldn’t quite believe he could be whole and alive. I learnt that I had to keep telling people about Andrea, even though my hospital notes said Peter was our second baby and Andrea had been stillborn. Even our midwife looked around for our first child at an antenatal appointment and it felt so sad to have to explain to her. This was so very hard and added to the anxiety around Peter being born. Thankfully, this shouldn’t happen these days.
Peter was born in August 1986. It was a long labour; I was induced late in the afternoon and Peter wasn’t born until 11.00pm. It was frightening, but thankfully all was well.
As it was late at night Jeff had to leave the hospital immediately after the birth. After Jeff left and Peter was placed in a cot, I burst into tears. I was moved to a busy ward. It all felt overwhelming – I wanted a baby so much.
A nurse came and asked me what on earth was I crying about. I tried to explain about losing Andrea and how I was feeling both happy and sad at the same time. I wasn’t prepared at all for how bewildering it felt to have healthy Peter to look after and yet at the same time feel sad about Andrea. I prayed but it was still tough.
By the time our next son, Michael, was born in 1990, we had moved house. I again took folic acid tablets as prescribed. Being pregnant still felt a scary experience and I had many scans to check that Michael was growing correctly and that the placenta was working. Michael was born very quickly and weighed around six pounds. We were so pleased to welcome Michael and to then work to create a family with our two boys, while always remembering the sister they had never met.
If you are looking for support after stillbirth, Care for the Family’s bereaved parent events and befriending service are available to you. Do get in touch.
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