Mother’s Day without my child

For many people – and certainly for those of us who have lost a child – Mother’s Day looms large on the calendar, along with anniversaries, birthdays and Christmases. It’s a day which we feel should be all (or at least some) of the above, and yet no longer will feel the same. Someone is missing.

So how can we manage this tricky day, which is often bittersweet, especially if we have surviving children who want to celebrate with us? A few bereaved mums have offered their reflections to help us navigate Mother’s Day as well as we can.

Some reflections

Firstly, Mother’s Day is not simple for many people, not just bereaved parents, and we are not exempt from these additional complications.
Helen, who is a vicar, remembers: ‘The year after Anna died, on Mothering Sunday I was consumed by a violent anger. The idea of giving every lady in the congregation flowers made me irate. There were people like me who had lost children, younger single women who would love to be married but hadn’t found Mr Right, those who had just lost their mothers, etc., etc.’.

Jules shares: ‘Mother’s Day for me is an extremely emotive topic as I lost my mum when I was seven. When the kids came along, I thought it would be a joyful day, but I think that the day is so hyped up by the media, and there is always such a level of expectation as to what it should be like, that it does not always meet expectations.’

Ann comments, ‘Mother’s Day is complicated because of dealing with it on several levels – as a daughter and as a mother and as a bereaved mum.’

Emotions run deep

Losing a child adds a depth of emotion to this day which many people just don’t understand or acknowledge.

Sandra explains: ‘I do find that people don’t seem to register that this might be a hard day for you when you have surviving children. I will have several people contact me on birthdays or the anniversary, but hardly any on this day – it’s like it doesn’t register it might be hard.’

Anna reflects: ‘I really struggled being a mum with my only child in heaven. I went away to Switzerland and got away from it all. I was sad that everyone avoided talking about him and didn’t do anything.’

We can feel numb and experience overwhelming sadness, which is so difficult when we may need to see our own mums or have other children who want to celebrate. The child we lost may have been the one who sorted Mother’s Day or had particular routines for that day.

Jules says: ‘Kez always went out, and when she was old enough, she managed her brothers and organised cards and presents.’

Sometimes it’s all too much

Many people have found that going to church on Mothering Sunday is extremely difficult. ‘Church services can be hard on Mother’s Day – I don’t think I ever went back to one… easier not to,’ Sandra says.

Personally, I was fortunate that the church leader acknowledged how hard it was for me to be there, and openly included my loss in the service, so I felt validated in my complex, mixed emotions. But not everyone will benefit from such an experience.

We can also find Mother’s Day difficult compared to birthdays and anniversaries, because on Mother’s Day the focus is on us as mums, and people are trying to make it a special day for us.

EJ reflects: ‘I don’t do as much as other days, because it’s about me, not about my child. I find it hard to do something for me on what would be my day.’

Ways to remember

People have found different ways to help them manage the mixed emotions of Mother’s Day. These things have helped them balance remembering their child, with being present for their other children if they have them. My two surviving children always gave me three bunches of flowers, not two – as though I was getting flowers on behalf of Ben too.

EJ puts up a previous Mother’s Day card she received from her child alongside any current cards. Some people like to go to their special place on Mother’s Day, as on other special days – perhaps their child’s grave or another place we associate with them. Some prefer to go alone, while others go with family or friends.

People who have lost their only child may feel others think they shouldn’t be acknowledged on Mother’s Day, as though they are no longer mothers. Some may find it easier or less painful simply not to get involved with Mother’s Day celebrations, while others may still want to mark the day – once a mother, always a mother. The important thing is to have the choice.

Suggestions for how to cope

In conclusion, here are five suggestions which may help you on this and other Mother’s Days:

1. Tell someone what you want – don’t wait to be asked. Anna shares, ‘I learnt to tell people exactly how I felt and what would help me at this time.’
2. Unsubscribe or pause notifications from companies celebrating Mother’s Day – nowadays many companies ask if you want to mute them for a while.
3. Intentionally spend time with your other children, if you have them, without guilt, and allow them to celebrate you as their mother.
4. Put aside time to remember the child you lost, in whatever way is helpful for you, and acknowledge how hard this day is without them. As EJ says, ‘Remember to take time out to pause.’
5. Surround the day – before and afterwards – with space to be kind to yourself.

Mother’s Day is one day in the year. It will always be a difficult, bittersweet day, but you will get through it. Like those other tricky days, it will gradually get easier as you find a way of managing it, that works for you.