Date Night – Cheesy Fad or Secret Weapon?

It sounded so cheesy, so twee, so contrived. It was too prescriptive, too manufactured. The very opposite of romantic.

And was it even necessary? Before you’re married, you go out on dates to eat together, to spend time together.

Once you’re married, eating together and spending time together happen automatically. They’re included in the package, right?

And yet, I have to admit there’s something about date night that just works.

It’s a secret weapon that can make all the difference between a marriage that is fulfilling and long-lasting, and one that’s not.

Research consistently shows that couples that have a regular date night are way more likely to report being ‘very happy’ in their relationship – regardless of age, education or income.

They are significantly less likely to experience family breakdown. In fact, they are more likely to claim high levels of satisfaction with life in general.

So why is this – and what’s the secret to making it work?

Here are two reasons why date nights are important for any couple and one bonus tip for getting the most out of them.

1. Connection

   Not all time is created equal. When it comes to time in relationships, quality is more important than quantity.
   
   But here’s the paradox. In order to get quality time, you need to put in quantity time. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that 2 hours dedicated to dates each week leads to happy and healthy relationships.
   
   Relationships are like house plants. You can’t just leave them be. They require care, nurture and attention.
   
   Believe me, I’ve killed my fair share of ferns.
   
   Carving out time for intentional connection keeps a relationship from wilting. It’s an investment that boosts our emotional bank account and helps counter the constant attrition and natural withdrawing that happens when two people live together over time.
   
   And increasingly it’s being recognised in society today. Celebrities and public figures, from Ed Sheeran to Prince Harry, have recently gone on record about their practice of intentional, rigorously guarded date nights.
2. Communication
   Communication is the lifeblood of relationship. And good communication requires time and a space free from distraction.
   
   Early in our marriage, we made a discovery about our date nights. It didn’t matter what we did – eating out, going to the cinema, seeing the sights. What made a difference was if we walked there.
   
   It was the walking that gave us space for distraction free communication, both talking and listening deeply. Once we made that discovery, we prioritised dates that we could walk to. Even if the walk was all we did.

Key tip: Consistency
When it comes to building intentional times to invest in your relationship, it’s not intensity that counts, but consistency.

Doing something simple on a regular basis, is way better than shooting for a grand romantic gesture. A consistent time each week – or however often you can manage – builds a habit of intimacy. Psychologists call this creating ‘rituals of connection’.

For many couples this habit can be challenging to establish. But once you have a regular, dedicated, ring-fenced time to invest in each other you soon begin to notice the benefits.

If you can, try to consider what things you can do as a couple to move forward on this. Date night may sound cheesy, but it might just be the secret weapon to your success.