When one parent chooses not to be involved in a child’s life, it can be a painful and confusing experience for both the child and the remaining parent. This blog offers practical guidance for navigating the journey.
Watching your children struggle when their other parent chooses to walk out on their life is one of the most heartbreaking things a parent can experience. Whatever the reason they left, it will stir up a lot of complex emotions for both you, and your children.
While seeking support for yourself is vital, we want to equip you with the words to say when your child asks why their other parent is no longer there for them. Here’s a guide we’ve put together to help you navigate these tough discussions and provide reassurance to your child.
1. Keep it age-appropriate
When a parent leaves, children need to know they are deeply loved, and that it’s not their fault. You can comfort babies with cuddles and a consistent routine, while toddlers and young children will lap up reassuring words. You could say something like, ‘Your Mum/Dad has decided not to be part of our lives for now. This is not because of anything you’ve done. Sometimes, adults make choices that are hard to understand, but I’m here to support you.’ As children grow, offer honest answers they can understand, and always listen with care. Teens appreciate openness and support – let them know their feelings are valid and heard. Whatever their age– your steady love and reassurance will mean everything to them.
2. Validate their emotions and model healthy responses
While it’s important to be as strong as you can for your children, we know you will also be going through a whirlwind of emotions after the departure of your child’s other parent. Try as best you can to show your children it’s normal and OK to feel sad, angry, or confused, and that there are healthy ways to process these feelings.
Listening and modelling how to handle difficult emotions can help your child learn emotional resilience. You might say something like, ‘I understand if you feel sad or anxious. I feel that way too sometimes, and when I do, I try to talk about my feelings, or calm down by taking slow, deep breaths.’
3. Be honest and encourage open communication
Let your child know it’s OK to ask questions whenever they feel ready. They might ask things like ‘Why?’ or ‘Will they ever come back?’ Answer as honestly as you can, but keep it simple, and if you don’t know the answer, it’s OK to say so. Bear in mind that their understanding of the situation may evolve as they grow older, so keeping the door open for future discussions is important. You could say, ‘If you ever want to talk about this later or have more questions, I’ll be here for you.’
4. Monitor behaviour and watch for long-term effects
Children may show emotional distress through behaviour rather than words – like withdrawal, acting out, or regression. Gently check in: ‘I’ve noticed you’ve been sad/angry/quiet lately. Do you want to talk about it?’ Be aware that emotional challenges can emerge over time, including feelings of abandonment, low self-esteem or trust issues. If signs like mood swings or anger outbursts start becoming more regular, reassure them: ‘If you ever feel overwhelmed, we can find someone to help us through it together.’
Although we hope it will not be the case, some children can show their feelings through self-harming. Self-harm is usually a way of trying to manage extremely difficult feelings, such as those which arise in the aftermath of a parent leaving the home. If you notice signs of self-harm, it can be difficult to know what to do or say next. Don’t panic; often simply being there is enough. Stay calm and let the child know that you care about them and that you’re there to listen. Should they need medical attention, tell them what is happening at every stage. The charity YoungMinds has an excellent guide to help you with this issue and to direct you towards professional help.
5. Avoid negative speak
Though it may be tempting, avoid bad-mouthing the absent parent, as your child’s emotions about them may be very conflicted – feeling both love and anger – and it doesn’t help them to hear you criticising someone they may still love. Encourage your child to process their emotions without feeling guilty. Keep your focus on the child’s wellbeing, not the other parent’s shortcomings. Try saying, ‘It’s OK to still love or miss your other parent, even if they aren’t around.’
6. Establish your support systems
Whether family members, teachers, or mentors, having caring adults in their lives can help fill emotional gaps. Focus on the positive aspects of their life and highlight the loving relationships and support systems they do have, so they feel valued and secure despite the absence of the other parent. You could say: ‘We have so many people who love and care about us, and we’re going to be OK. I’m here for you, and so are [family members, friends, etc.].’
7. Maintain routines and stability
Stability is key in times of emotional upheaval. Keeping up with familiar routines, like bedtime rituals or family meals, can offer a sense of security and continuity. Something you can say is: ‘Even though things are different now, we’re going to keep doing the things we enjoy, like reading stories before bed or going to the park on weekends.’
8. Create new traditions
If the absent parent was part of certain family traditions, consider creating new ones that can bring joy and a sense of belonging. This can help shift focus from what’s missing to what’s still meaningful. Try this: ‘Let’s start a new tradition just for us, something fun we can look forward to together.’
9. Help them build emotional tools
Over time, help your child develop coping mechanisms to deal with the absence, such as journaling, drawing, talking to trusted adults, or even letting off steam through running, boxing or something similar. Offer to work through feelings together: ‘Would you like to draw a picture or write a letter about how you’re feeling? Sometimes that helps.’
10. Prepare for outside influences
Children may hear comments from their peers, family members, or even adults that could hurt or confuse them. Help them navigate those moments, saying something like: ‘If someone says something that hurts you or makes you feel bad about not having your other parent around, you can always talk to me about it. Sometimes people don’t understand, but I’m here to help.’
11. Empower them to define their own story
Encourage your child to feel empowered in how they view their family story. They can still feel proud and loved, even if their family looks different from others’. A gentle way to explain this is: ‘Every family is unique, and what matters most is the love and care we have for each other. Our family is strong, and we’re writing our own story together.’
By following these suggestions, and handling conversations with honesty, care and consistency, we can support our children emotionally, giving them tools to thrive. Over time, this can help to build resilience and help them grow into secure and confident adults.
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