Most couples have areas of life where if they aren’t careful, sparks can fly.
For my husband Richard and I this includes: the correct way to load (or unload) a supermarket trolley; haircuts (cost on the one hand and failure to notice when there’s been a visit to the salon on the other); assembly of flatpack IKEA furniture; the appropriate location for filing nails (apparently not in bed); and a number of issues surrounding watching TV.
While I could happily live without a television, Richard enjoys it as a way to relax and unwind.
But even in the moments when we do sit down to enjoy a programme together, we find there are differences that can quickly spiral into arguments, and if we aren’t careful, spoil the evening.
It seems we aren’t alone! Research shows that television is one of the most divisive topics in the home with the average couple arguing four times a week over screen related issues. Topics of debate include: the volume, asking too many questions during a programme (guilty as charged), falling asleep, scrolling through social media or texting at the same time, hogging the remote, sitting in the others favourite chair, or perhaps the most heinous of all crimes – sneaking ahead on an episode of something that you normally watch together.
While it might be tempting to keep the peace by investing in a second television and introducing a habit of separate viewing, 37 years of marriage has taught us that short-circuiting the process with a quick fix that fails to address the heart of the issue may not be the best way forward.
While separate viewing may bring peace and harmony in the short-term, it robs us of the opportunity of strengthening our relationship by working at resolving the issue together. We come to marriage not just with different viewing habits, but with different personalities and different preferences, and different approaches to life – which means conflict is to be expected! I grew up in a home where conflict was avoided at all costs, and so in the early years of our marriage that was the way I approached any disagreement – head in the sand, sidestepping all arguments. Over the years we have learnt that rather than dodging disagreement which can lead to brooding resentment, facing an issue and resolving it together is much healthier for our relationship.
It might mean one of us choosing to ignore the other’s annoying habit, changing our own behaviour, or finding a different way forward together. The important thing about conflict is not the issue itself, but how we deal with it.
The happiest couples accept that arguments are inevitable, but see them as an opportunity to understand each other better.
So tonight when I go home, the TV may well be on. I will join Richard in his viewing, and when one of us is checking Instagram, or hogging the remote, or the other has the audacity to sit in our favourite chair – rather than sidestepping the issue we will remember we are on the same side and face it – together.
About the author
Katharine Hill is UK Director of Care for the Family. She is a well-known speaker, broadcaster and author of a number of books. She is married to Richard, and they have four grown-up children and seven grandchildren.
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