When tempers flare: helping children manage anger 

Whether it’s sparked by disappointment, frustration, or exhaustion, anger is a natural response to the pressures and challenges of everyday life. 

There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry. But while all feelings are welcome, not all behaviours are. Learning how to respond to anger in healthy ways is an important skill for both children and adults. 

The anger river 

Getting angry and losing our temper can be a bit like being pushed into a fast-flowing river.  At first, we’re paddling near the edge, but if we don’t spot what’s happening and take action, we can find ourselves swept along into deeper water. Before we know it, we’re battling through the rapids and heading straight for the waterfall! 

The good news? There are things we can do at every stage to stop ourselves – and our children – from being carried away by anger. 

Staying out of the river 

Stress and anger are closely linked. The more stressed, tired or overwhelmed we feel, the easier it can be to lose our temper. While we can’t avoid every frustrating situation, we can make it less likely that we’ll end up in the river by looking after ourselves.  

Getting enough rest, taking regular breaks, lowering expectations during busy seasons and asking for help when we need it can all make a difference. 

Helping our children 

Children often struggle more with their emotions when they’re tired, hungry or overstimulated. 

We can help by: 

• Keeping routines as consistent as possible 
• Prioritising sleep and rest 
• Building in quiet time between activities 
• Keeping noise and chaos to a manageable level 
• Reducing sensory stimulation for children who are particularly sensitive to it 

Spotting when we’re in the river 

One of the challenges with anger is that it can sneak up on us. Often our bodies notice it before our minds do. When we’re triggered, adrenaline kicks in and we might experience: 

• A racing heart 
• Clenched fists or jaw 
• Feeling hot or flushed 
• Tense muscles 
• Migraine 
• Sweating 

Learning to recognise our own warning signs can help us step out of the river while we’re still in the shallows. 

Helping our children 

Try introducing the idea of a red traffic light. When they notice their warning signs, encourage them to think: 

‘My body is telling me I’m getting angry. This is my red light telling me to slow down before I say or do something I’ll regret.’ 

Better still, model it yourself: 

‘I’m starting to feel frustrated, so I’m going to take a moment to calm down.’ 

Children learn a great deal from watching what we do. 

Climbing back out 

Once we’ve recognised that we’re angry, the next challenge is deciding what to do with those feelings. One helpful strategy is to pay attention to the story we’re telling ourselves. 

For example: 

• Instead of ‘They never listen to me’, think ‘They’re struggling right now’ 

• Instead of ‘This is a disaster’, think ‘This is frustrating, but we’ll work it out’ 

Changing our thinking won’t make anger disappear, but it can stop it gathering momentum. 

Other helpful strategies include: 

• Taking some slow, deep breaths 
• Counting to ten before responding 
• Having a glass of water 
• Taking a short walk 
• Stepping away briefly if it’s safe to do so  

Helping our children 

When they’re calm, help them talk about: 

• What they were feeling 
• What happened just before they got angry 
• What they could try next time 

Like any skill, learning to manage emotions takes practice. 

When we’ve gone over the waterfall 

Let’s be honest. Despite our best efforts, sometimes we’ll still lose our temper. 

When that happens: 

• Give yourself and your child time to cool down
• Apologise sincerely
• Take responsibility for your behaviour
• Come back and repair the relationship 

One of the most powerful lessons we can teach our children is not that parents are perfect, but that we know how to make things right when we’ve got it wrong. 

Helping our children 

After a tantrum, children need time and space to recover. Some will want a cuddle; others will want to be left alone. Once they’re calm, encourage them to make amends in a way that feels meaningful, whether that’s saying sorry, writing a note or doing something kind. 

Some neurodiverse children may need longer to regulate their emotions, so offering patience, reassurance and alternative ways to communicate can help. 

Final thought 

Anger isn’t a sign that we’re failing – it’s a sign that we’re human. The goal isn’t to never feel anger. It’s to recognise when we’re heading into the river, learn how to climb out more quickly and repair things when we’ve gone over the waterfall. And if today hasn’t been your finest parenting moment – be kind to yourself. Tomorrow is a new day, and every family gets another chance to try again.