Every relationship has its joys and challenges, but if you or both you and your partner are neurodivergent, you may find this especially so.
Neurodivergent is a term used to describe autism, ADHD and other kinds of differences in brain wiring. A neurodiverse relationship can be described as a relationship in which you both have different neurotypes.
In this blog we’ll cover some of the main ways in which you can both enjoy each other’s differences and navigate any potential issues which having different neurotypes can present.
Learning to speak each other’s language
While communication issues are common for all couples, neurodiverse couples (those with different neurotypes) can struggle with this more intensely. Neurotypical partners, for example, might feel upset and frustrated when their autistic partner expresses themselves bluntly or fixates on minor details during a disagreement. In contrast, neurodivergent partners may struggle when their neurotypical partner communicates indirectly, or does not understand that they are not being difficult on purpose – they just have different needs. Patience and empathy, as well as nonjudgmental language, are key.
The neurodivergent partner might say: ‘I don’t mean to hurt your feelings when I am direct, but I don’t realise how this sounds to you unless I am told. Please let me know if what I have said offends you, and together we can find a more helpful way of communicating.’
Managing life’s mental load together
Some couples – especially those where one or both has ADHD and/or dyspraxia – may find that the daily load of chores, appointments and general schedule management can present challenges. Shared schedules or day planners, along with visual objects such as a kitchen calendar or chores whiteboard on the fridge, can be a great help. Doing jobs like meal planning together can also make the working week easier.
When something feels overwhelming, the neurodivergent partner may put it off and they might need help from their partner to talk it through and break it down into smaller tasks. When you need to have a serious conversation, your partner might benefit from having something to do with their hands – a fidget toy, colouring, a handicraft or other displacement activity. It may look like they’re not listening, but the activity can actually help them retain information and make the conversation easier.
A neurotypical partner whose partner has ADHD might say: ‘I understand you struggle with time blindness and you are not making us late on purpose. However, when we really need to be on time, how about you set several alarms on your phone to do key things, such as wake up, find keys, etc.? I will also give you verbal notice before asking you to do things.’
Dropping the mask
Neurodivergent people live in a world that is not generally considerate of their needs. From sensory overload to unintentionally causing offence, they must navigate a world that misunderstands them and which they often misunderstand. This can lead to a phenomenon known as ‘unmasking’ when at home and in the presence of their other half (their safe person). This can be difficult for the neurotypical partner, because, although a welcome relief for the neurodivergent person, they may feel less need to communicate carefully and considerately with the one they love most.
An autistic partner who has spent all day in a social work environment might become withdrawn and noncommunicative at home. While dropping the mask is crucial for the neurodivergent person to regulate, they will have to find ways to stay connected and care for their neurotypical partner’s emotional needs, as well as their own.
This might sound like: ‘When I come in from work, I need 20 minutes of quiet time focusing on my special interest to regulate. After that, we can chat and connect, but I can’t do that without space.’
Seeking support
For some neurodiverse couples, navigating how best to communicate with one another can be tricky. The double-empathy problem*, as well as rejection-sensitive dysphoria**, can mean that, although both sides are trying to communicate well, both are still coming away frustrated and hurt, as they do not truly understand each other.
Support from counsellors and therapists specifically trained in supporting neurodiverse relationships can help, as well as each having your own support systems outside of your relationship. Spending time with friends and family members who have the same neurotype can help you both feel restored and understood, and help you come together again refreshed and able to meet your partner’s needs.
Celebrating one another
It’s important to celebrate one another’s strengths in a neurodiverse relationship. Neurodivergent partners are often creative, founts of knowledge (especially about their special interests), and attentive to detail, among other things. Neurotypical partners often bring patience, empathy and a broader perspective to complement their partner’s ability to home in on specific topics. Spend time discussing your respective strengths and share how much you enjoy your partner’s unique traits, to build one another up in love.
* The double-empathy problem refers to a theory that while interacting, neurodivergent and neurotypical people can struggle to empathise with each other due to differing ways of seeing the world. It’s a little like two people wishing to communicate well, but not fluently speaking each other’s language.
** Rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when criticism or social rejection is felt much more intensely than is usual. It can make constructive criticism feel like an attack, and is common for neurodivergent people.
